Where Is The Love?

Here we are. Two weeks until wedding. I have a million and half things left to do but one thing is keeping me from really enjoying everything. I have this fear that I have shared with some people and only one or two understand where this fear comes from and why I am worried about this. Others brush it off as silly. I wish I was able to do that so easily. What is my fear? My fear is that my wedding would be used against me to make fun of me in a public way. There are web pages and Facebook pages dedicated to making fun of military wives. Some of the things they do is just cruel. If a wife is too fat, too moto (wears, carries, displays anything military related), too proud of their spouse, not proud enough, not up to date on everything military, is a house wife/ stay at home mother, too devoted to their job/ family, or anything that doesn’t meet their perfect idea of a military wife (which is always narrowing down to something that is unachievable) they rip to shreds. Keating, author of high heels & combat boots, best explains some of the misconceptions of military wives in her blog post. To me, some of the misconceptions apply to a lot of people and not just military wives. I have know police officer wives or firefighter wives use some the same misconceptions against each other. What makes military wives so special to have pages devoted to bashing us?

For those who may not understand some of the terms used on those pages, I think NexGen MilSpouse puts it best by saying “I bet you’re asking yourself, “what’s spouse shaming”?  Other than being a totally made up phrase derived from the concept of “slut shaming,” spouse shaming is merely my way of discussing a fairly popular military community cultural practice of military spouses, (and some of our servicemembers, too) accusing other military spouses of being none other than a dependapotamus. Whether or not you believe that dependapotamuses…dependapotami?…exist, the label “dependa” is just a militarized version of the “welfare queen.””

Urban Dictionary defines Dependapotamus as “Traditionally a service-members dependent who is a “stay at home mom” that doesn’t do a damn thing all day besides sitting on the couch looking remarkably similar to jabba the hut leaching off of military benefits and eating anything that gets too close.”

Here are some of the pages and the things they post. All of these are recent posts.

Dear Dependa

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Here is a poor girl that is going through the first of many hard moments that comes with being an Army wife. She reaches out for support from a Army wife support group. Instead of support, her post ends up on Dear Dependa. Some of the comments are just awful. If someone is emotional, no one should say that the person will kill themselves. Also all these people suggesting upping her meds doesn’t help her either. We are allowed to feel emotions. We are allowed to cry. We are allowed to be scared. Yeah, it may just be basic that her husband is going through but people have died or gotten seriously hurt during basic and boot camp. Support her. Don’t hurt her.

The Dependapotamus

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This is one of the examples I have come across that makes fun off someone even though they meet their standards of a good looking woman. Comments saying that she can’t possibly be his wife because she isn’t fat or the fact that its surprising that she is the size of an elephant are apalling. The only thing they truly have a possible reason to jab at her is the fact that her fiance is out of regulations by her wearing the hat and not him. Its a cute picture. Its not disrespecting the uniform. Let them be happy.

Just The Tip Of The Spear

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Its stuff like this that I am afraid of seeing about me because of my weight.

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They use this alot to try and make a point of how much of a dependa someone is.

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This picture is one that hits home for me. This is a cute couple who is happy and in love. They tear her apart. And the picture of the comments. That’s just one page. It goes on and on and on.

These pages have attacked pictures of brides. They have said similar things to the comments in the last photo. I’m really worried about what they will say about me.

Its also not just these pages that attack the wives. It is also some of the support pages that the wives turn to for support that end up attacking them. I have been in a few groups made of Marine wives that would make fun of others. I have seen friends get hurt by their words. Last November, a good friend of mine was terrorized by a group of women that made up lies about her drinking at the ball while being pregnant, teased her about her teeth and her looks. She was very pregnant at the time and her friends and I were worried about the baby. We tried to keep as much of it as possible from her and tried to convience her to leave the group. She wanted to try to defend herself but that just seemed to make things worse.

Some of the women in these groups should work for th FBI with the info they are able to pull up on someone they want to terrorize. They can find obscure pictures, videos, or posts that feature the person and then twist them in ways to use against them. I have been on the receiving end of this treatment. I was in one group that the admin decided she was bored one day and wanted someone to go after. I never expected her to turn on me. She is the owner of local adoption agency and we had been friends for a few months. We had deal set up that anytime they adopted a dog to a new family, the family would get a coupon for free dog treats from Barking Fabulous (my dog treat business). In return I would advertise for them. The day she turned on me was just out of the blue. She had made a post making fun of someone needing to find a cat sitter for the day because her apartment was being bombed. I pointed out that just because her apartment needed to be bombed doesn’t meant that her apartment itself was nasty. I have to bomb past apartments because of the grossness of neighbors. That’s all it took for her to snap on me and start tearing me apart. She tried to call me fat pig and fake because according to her I claimed to clean eat but I had confessed to her a secret obsession of McDonald’s cheeseburgers (if you know me I can’t stand their cheeseburgers and I have NEVER claimed to clean eat). When I tried to argue against what she was saying she started pulling up pictures of when I wedding cake shopping with Jeremy. She posted multiple pictures of the cakes we tried and tried to say that I was a fat ass (excuse my language) that ate all of that every day. Everyone else in the group understood where the pics where from and that when trying to plan a wedding from out of state, you have to go by multiple cake shops in one day. When people started standing up for me, she kicked me and them out of the group. Friends in the group that stayed quiet (they didn’t want the target moved to them) said that she carried on for three more days before moving on to someone new. I don’t know what exactly was being said about me but by the looks on their faces it was pretty bad.

So many articles have been written about these people that take enjoyment in shaming others. There are also many articles and blog posts about why it needs to stop. Two of my favorite are from The Military Wife Life and Army Wife 101.

Brittney on The Military Wife Life writes “I understand that there really are women who marry service members for the benefits (although I’m not sure I’ll ever understand what’s so great about Tricare), and I know there are some pretty cruddy milspouses who really do cheat on their husbands when they’re deployed.But that doesn’t justify the shaming. Is it cool if I take it one step further? And it definitely doesn’t justify shaming spouses who do NOT cheat, who are NOT in it for the benefits, and who are NOT lazy bums that do nothing but leach off their husbands.”

Krystal at Army Wife 101 writes a wonder article about what these bullies should do instead of being bullies. I recommend reading her post. My favorite quote from the post is ““Depignorants”(don’t ask it… makes sense though in my mind) don’t realize the stereotypes they are so upset about is actually being perpetuated by them; not by the so called Dependas.”.

As I count down the days to my wedding, I know I will worry about whether or not my pictures will end up being on one of these pages. I know that my weight and the fact the theme focuses heavily on Marine Corps stuff (my fiance’s choice because he is proud of who he is  and what he does). I am probably asking for trouble for even posting this but keeping this to myself won’t help anyone.

18 Comments Add yours

  1. patchworkrainbows says:

    What nasty people. People like this are not worth worrying over – not even for a second. They only show there own insecurities if they have to do this to other people. X. Don’t let this spoil your special day, you will have people around you who love and care for you. No one else matters. X

    Like

    1. Kelly S. says:

      Thank you. I will try my best not to worry about them.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lots of hate, lots of trolling. Although I do have to say the first wife does concern me as playing the dramatic I’m an army wife card a bit soon (I’m an ex-marine wife and a present army wife) which puts a bad name on the rest of us actually trying to just make do while are husbands are abroad. I have never heard the obesity humor before, this is incredibly new to me. So mean and hateful, not even okay. But that is why I never immerse myself in military communities, just a personal call after the dramas surrounding us in my first marriage.

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    1. Kelly S. says:

      The obesity I heard the most about but that’s probably because it hits closer to home for me. I want to get more involved with the military community once things settle down, I just there are less judgemental people in Japan. The area we are in I wouldn’t dare to do much because of harassment I have already experienced. Maybe I’ll just find a church group to get involved with instead.

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      1. Church groups are great! Or getting involved volunteer wise with the community like a library, though I don’t know what would be available in Japan…

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      2. Kelly S. says:

        Once my clearances come in I’m going to contact my new FRO and ask him what’s available out there.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I don’t know anything about army life, I can’t comment about that. I can tell you though, you can never keep everybody happy – everyone has too many different angles, issues and needs. If you were a rocket scientist who had healing powers and an amazingly tight little bod – someone somewhere would still say something negative (which will generally say a lot more about their own attitude to life than anything else!).

    We’ve all just got to make the most of ourselves! Be proud of yourself! Have a brilliant attitude to yourself and life and others will follow suit. Positivity attracts more positivity!

    Wishing you a beautiful and happy wedding day surrounded by all those you love!

    p.s. Can’t believe I’m going to reference this – but if you need to reinforce the feeling… Taylor Swift, Shake It Off (am cringing at myself haha! but it gets you eventually!)

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    1. Kelly S. says:

      LOL You referencing her just made my husband’s night! He is borderline obsessed with her (he even has posters of her up on his side of the room).

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  4. Unfortunately we have immature people who feel that making derogatory comments is humorous. What they are showing is only the fact they have a low self esteem and they must feed their ego through such nonsense.
    Don’t worry about those little people. What matters in life is you. You and the love you two have together. Worry is just a waste of your energy and brings you down. Focus on what matters. What matters is you, your husband, your families, your friends. You two are a beautiful couple.
    Life, weddings, marriages, adventures, love, relationships…are what you make of them, not what some other fool makes of it for you.

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    1. Kelly S. says:

      Thank you. Your positive words are ones I really need to listen to if I ever hear negative ones.

      Like

  5. IMarriedTheArmy says:

    People are so cruel, I’ve had friends who have been put on those pages before and it really just tears people down! I think it just goes to show how unhappy others are if this is how they choose to spend their time by tearing others down.

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    1. Kelly S. says:

      I never understood why people got pleasure from making fun of people. I’m sorry your friends were their victims.

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  6. doodlebop123 says:

    So… this post is incredibly in sync with what I have been thinking about this weekend. I had no idea what the word dependapotomous meant until this weekend when after hearing it I googled it. Though I am married to a Marine, I never lived on base or knew that part of the life. The women who bully other wives have nothing better to do than that shamming. I am now realizing why my husband was very specific with our photographer that we don’t take certain pictures.
    You know what’s even more sad, is that there is occasional issues with the wives being disrespectful to others in groups for wounded warrior caregivers. People are cruel.
    I say enjoy your wedding, try not to stress over what you worry others may think. You will be a beautiful bride!

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    1. Kelly S. says:

      I don’t understand why the wives are even doing this to their own kind. Especially the ones in the wound warrior groups. That is insane. You would think we would band together because being a military wife is hard enough. I hate that we have to restrict our lives and the things we want to do to please others. You should have been able to take any kind of picture you wanted with you your photographer without your husband worrying about who would see it.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Arman says:

    The anonymous nature of the internet can bring out real nastiness in people, unfortunately. Equally important is that there’s also a hell lot of REALLY awesome people out there who genuinely care. Now.. you need to stop reading these shitty websites (or driving more traffic towards them), take a deep breath, concentrate on what’s important to you, your life, your happiness, your marriage and just keep your mind there.

    Half the stuff we fear will never come true, so never makes any sense to lose sleep over our worst nightmares / future what ifs.

    Congratulations on your upcoming marriage 😀 May the day be as beautiful and blessed as your life together.

    Like

  8. Wow. I have been a Military wife for almost 14 years now and I guess I have not paid to much attention to Facebook groups like these. You should be feeling totally happy that your wedding day is coming. Being married to a Military man is yes stressful but so much fun. Every time he comes home from deployment or a long underway you get to have another honeymoon. I know it’s hard not not let mean people bother you but you have to blow it off. Most people who make fun of us Military wives have issues of their own and need to make themselves feel better but making fun of us. Don’t let it worry you. Good luck and congratulations

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  9. Wish you Much Happiness for your future and just don’t these things get to you!

    Like

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